The Freelance Dilettante

what i want to be when i grow up

Connect the Dots

I can do this with my eyes closed.

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The Last Words of T.F.D. Bot, the Final Poem

An awesome elephant drawn by a student.

An awesome elephant drawn by a student.

I reserve the right of choice/I reserve the right time/and the skull of course/the fuses blow all of her supplies/accoutrements, etc./ Many moons ago, I was not/traumatized. 11. I am sure that I hope I/ can scroll, and they stick me with their/viewing. Books are very, very fun/clothes exchanges/Playing the whole box, fresh from her poems here/I reserve the bedroom with other human beings./Spent my friends and family./ Blessings to all the other things containing all the time./was thinking of bringing his poems here./Lost question of the wrinkled undertaker’s van/And Rip Van Winkle from Mars, David./All I want: pine nuts./Oh, likely a LOT of people like the people who keeps a loaded machine gun./This was the master of the airport, who keeps a billboard./ I saw her conversion, she went to a party last night./Haven’t managed quite a common joke?/ I reserve the end of the big crushes/ was on the echoes, and I try to get them (to) know about us/ If I have a true story./ Wish you could have some interesting exploring ahead.

T.F.D. Bot Speaks in Circles

IMG_1654This poem is originally written in a spiral, as seen in the photo above.
Well, the descending bone; the black Angus do this. They said, only with some Facebooking, switch sides of Bikram Yoga. I reserve the hemlock flower! Myrtle and jessamine for a f**k. We would be the mightiest goal; yet, of my computer was the lamb on knocking knees. And three years over things containing all the time. Speaking of style, I’m not pressuring anyone who’s riding BART at the leftovers as my test were at me in my fellow student: a child, his fork, a dog among his face, yet it’s raining here, you can find something. I reserve the right thing.I might be a better human being. Yes, it was right. You need to be reviled by some for most of my best movie? I reserve the right outside my window. Tired and have finished their grandparents, and wondering what I got me to the fore when I did some misunderstandings. சின்ன சின்ன ஆடு! My alarm was going to leave a tip until i watched my mother give birth, and some of you report it? I reserve the heaven’s egg, with bones unbuttoned, to the doctor when lying that way. I’m bummed I won’t likely be in piles of the best chai masala tea, and water aerobics class. I reserve the kind of sick I like. I feel like I am also a new year’s present ever. First world needs more Libras. Warning: it may happen. For anyone who is all metaphors, shape in my dream? So in the rose bower! A narrow bed in HK was the doc did suggest– a few days there was his idea. OMG I will be rampant enough to places in my dreams, to houses with secret rooms, to barren deserts where  creatures bare their secretaries or neighbors’ wives or daughters, even my upstairs neighbor, who keeps a joke between me an other sacred women. I used to slim them down, to protect them. So, you have to be dead now. And how lucky you are.It’s quite odd, looking forward to washing my face and at the good threads. I’ll do not to translate the sentence into Tamil, as I frantically look forward to work now, covered in Tamil.

T.F.D. Bot Says Something

A leaf, on my pants

A leaf, on my pants

Going to actually make it.

Or, as there was my pants.

Remember, I’m the bomb.

My time in district of choice:

This is a lot of dying for a purge.

Problem was,

Well, the halfway winds, hatched from

his head, Nor stone at the time, but I

thought it.

The day to put some in India, focusing

on Tamil Nadu.

Other than that, there was his idea.

I reserve the wood of weathers. First

there was a big time.

Right now the pants I wear when they

are relevant to me: when we left. I liked

my post…if you crack me with

photographs. Clean up the Ants patch

off my hips, when I was wondering.

It’s a prophylaxis, though, so it’s

simply inappropriate. Plus, it

forgot to visit. You can have to use it.

I reserve the hilarious wonderfulness

that is the Tamil class soon.

I reserve the first time; the ladies were

wearing wetsuits in water aerobics class.

Well, the movie.

What Would I Say? Part One

T.F.D.Bot never forgets.

T.F.D.Bot never forgets.

At what-would-i-say.com, one can get random “Bot” quotes pulled from his or her Facebook posts. I post way too many of these on my wall, so I thought, why not gather several together into magnificent poems? Because everything I say is brilliant, anyway, and even better when it’s randomly taken out of context.

Full disclosure: slight edits, such as punctuation or a connecting word, may have been made.

T.F.D Bot Speaks

I reserve the skull of toes on

thunderous pavements in Tamil.

I reserve the right thing; I was quite

happy ignoring it.

I reserve the complexity and

ridiculousness of ganja, a Hindi word

and have, on reading past lives with

shrines, etc.

I reserve the right now, covered in cat

drool.

Does that mean I’m fine, but I assume

this–

The day of the city to come down

drunk. I have fuzzy socks.

Sometimes I hope for the rarely used

To have the city cemetery, to be

desensitized. It, its riptide, and these songs of

broken women which was likely a

bandit (LOL)

I reserve the end of the dictionary?

The size 8, I’m more like monkeys?

He was so cold.

Yesterday’s album is lost, and the

halfway winds, hatched from

nowheres, and preparations for our last

ex.

Pongal is the needle; it’s in my head now.

The latest work of phone art.

Smear It!

Deconstruct This!

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Not all my posts this year will be super- long ones: sorry to ruin your fun,  TL;DRers.

When I was 18 I went to New York City, where I discovered an entire museum filled with what some people call “art,” and others call “garbage.” Oh, MOMA, what wonders you wreaked in my psyche. Suddenly, I too could express myself artistically without shame (as can many others. It’s okay, Artists never get too far if they aren’t shameless.)

I love deconstructing stuff. It’s fun, it’s easy (though it takes skill to do it well), and it is cheap therapy. In 2011, I was at the Art Mecca that is Costco, when I found a copy of “Wreck This Journal” by Keri Smith, who is a genius who makes money by telling people to wreck stuff. AND THEY DO IT!

I’m almost finished wrecking the journal, so since I wanted to do some more damage, I downloaded the “Wreck this App” wherein I can wreck the same stuff OVER and OVER. I also bought another app called “This is Not an App”, which is kind of confusing because it is, but that’s just life lived in paradox.

Anyway, the picture above is my first attempt at wrecking something on my phone; lucky for me, my phone itself remains perfectly functional.

Because she is awesome (and no, I am NOT a paid spokesperson), please go buy Keri Smith’s stuff at Amazon and at your appropriate app store (available for both iOS and Android)

A New Dawn, A New Day, A New Year…

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Okay, so it’s eight days into 2014, and I’m blogging after a wee hiatus of OMG SIX MONTHS. Time flies when you’re procrastinating and/or avoiding.

By now, a lot of people are either going crazy fulfilling New Year’s resolutions (it hurts so gooood!) or beating themselves up because they’ve already fallen by the wayside (it feels so baaaaad!) Well,  I’m giving myself a break: there’s always next year..

I’m not much for New Year’s Resolutions. When they fizzle out, I am left feeling defeated, like a failure. So, about 15 years ago, I have up NYRs for what I call “Ongoing Goals.” Many of these have been on my list for many years. Many have shown progress, some, not so much.  Nearly every year (excepting the years I totally blew them off) the list is updated. Since it is now 2014, I have 14 on the list. I may add one each year. I may not. The list can get unwieldily once you creep into the twenties. Nonetheless,  Here are my Ongoing Goals, put forth for your entertainment (or scorn, if you’d rather be scorning something. Cool word, “scorn.”):

1. Beauty and Order
I will do my best to instill beauty and order in my life, to maintain a clean and inviting home, to purge excess clutter, to choose my possessions using the mantra “Is it meaningful? Is it useful? Is it beautiful?” Also I will accept that even if something is most or all of those things, if it doesn’t have a proper place, it would be happier belonging to someone who would love and appreciate it as it deserves.

2. Happiness
I will accept that I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. I can not make anyone else happy, and no one else is responsible for my happiness. They are not duty-bound to make me happy. I will work on fostering my own happiness by counting my blessings, doing things that are fun and adventurous, and seeking support and encouragement when needed from people able and willing to give it. I will do my best to encourage others with my compassion, empathy, love, and kindness, without any expectations for the outcome.

3. Co-Dependent No More
I will no longer be “nice” to my own detriment. I will set solid boundaries for myself and others and realize that I am not obligated to explain, defend, or justify them. I will say no or yes as I see fit, and accept responsibility for my own choices and actions. I will not allow myself to be used or abused.

4. Acceptance
I will accept that my destiny is my own to create. I will accept that there is positive and negative in my life. I will embrace the blessings and do what I can to change or acknowledge and accept the challenges. I will meet people where they are, and accept that they have differing points of view, and that I can care for someone even when they disagree. I can accept the fact that there are certain people who do not belong in my life, and let go of the anxiety that someone may not like or care about me.  I can accept honest criticism about my actions or behaviors, and listen without knee-jerk defensive reactions. I can accept responsibility when necessary, and stand my ground if need be. I can accept myself as a flawed-yet-perfectly good being, developing, learning and growing as I go.

5. Creativity
I will nurture and express my innate creativity, spirit, and intelligence in a variety of ways. I will seek ways to do this through creating art, writing, reading, introspecting, learning, working, adventuring and experiencing the world. I will share my creativity with others joyfully. I will make time to do this, and live in the moment as I create, immersing myself in the process.

6. Connection
I will make new friends, as well as keep in contact with my present friends. I will, when possible, make an effort to reconnect with people who have been meaningful in my life, without expectations regarding the outcome. I will take time to socialize with people in real life, and visit as many of my friends as I can. I will work towards the goal of meeting all of my internet friends in person. I will send personal notes, letters, cards, and packages to people with no expectation of return.

7. Devotion
I will nurture my relationship with God/dess in all of his/her forms which speak to me. I will spend time in devotion, mediation, vigil, prayer, and ritual. I will attend temple and circle when possible. I will reach out through my anxieties and fears to meet people of like mind, and will look for God/dess in the eyes of every person I meet. I will read spiritual materials, and work on wending my way through the spiritual wilderness. I will accept any challenge that brings me closer to God/dess, whether it be sacrifice, pilgrimage, periods of specific spiritual devotion or practice, observance of holy days, etc.

8. Compassion and Empathy
I will do my best to have compassion for all people, even those whose behavior and opinions are distasteful to me. I will recognize that having compassion for someone does not mean you have to agree with them or have them as an active part of your life. I will also practice empathy, refusing to dismiss or minimize the feelings of others, simply because I feel uncomfortable. This includes being open to confronting my own prejudices or actions that hurt or wound others without defensiveness (see Acceptance).

9. Activism
I will pursue and educate myself about issues for which I feel strongly. I will stand up for these issues, and fight for justice and equality for all people. I will choose a few to defend passionately, and will support others’ work towards their pet causes. I will focus my attention on what I feel are pressing issues. For me these are education, especially women’s education, eradicating sexism (rape culture, shaming, etc.),  and female empowerment (especially for young girls and those living in poverty.) I will lend my voice to all work for justice.

10. Health
I will do what I can to develop and maintain my physical, emotional, and mental health. I will find healthy ways to get my needs met. I will seek support and help when I need it. I will move my body and nourish it. I will nurture and respect myself in every aspect. I will have compassion for myself when I am not as strong as I wish to be.

11. Detachment
I will work towards compassionate, loving detachment from outcomes and expectations which cause distress and dissonance when not met. I will work on forgiveness and letting go of old hurts, grudges, and blame.

12. Adventure
I will seek and accept the call to new adventures, big and small. I will step fearlessly into the future. If I can’t do that, I will face my fears, and step forward with courage instead.

13. Service
I will give of my time, energy, and money in service to causes I care about. Although I can’t support every cause, I will choose one to three charitable organizations to give to every year.  The ones I am currently committed to are sponsoring a child in India, supporting the Alumnae scholarship fund at my high school  (both supporting the cause of women’s education and empowerment, as well as poverty), and choosing a cancer research organization every year in memory of my nephew Liam.

14 Random Acts of Kindness and Beauty
I will do nice things for random people at random times without expectation of gratitude or return favors. I would also like to participate in public art, or do something beautiful for others to enjoy.

Lofty goals, yes, butI have the rest of my life to work on these, and a lot less pressure than if I was telling myself I should be working on these at all times, because I’m a big fat loser if I’m not perfect by December 31. Of course, being a procrastinator of the highest degree, there is certainly a chance that I could make no progress at all, but its not likely.  Progress happens, even if sometimes it feels as if it’s by accident.

An Invitation to Empowerment (Where the Magic Happens)

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It’s Midsummer* already, and I feel as if I am riding the equinox, straddling the line between dark and light. I’ve been stuck again. Those who know me well know that this happens often. I can say that I’m really busy, but in reality, I’m just stagnating creatively (and socially, and intellectually, and emotionally, etc…)

I can usually tell when these periods of stagnation are about to be interrupted; there are signs. First, the urge to create begins to emerge. It starts with a small push and grows, if unattended to, into a persistent, desperate anxiety, a pulsing ball, lodged firmly somewhere between the heart and the throat, leading me to a cliff edge, where I teeter precariously, afraid that I will leap, knowing I probably need to.

I’m not quite there yet. Sometimes, I am able to circumvent the anxiety by accepting that I am in a place of stasis because something good is germinating. I’m reading, or imagining, or thinking something through that will eventually come out as art or writing, or some life-giving venture. If only I can push through the despair, the “shoulds” and the self-shame/blame/berate game, I’ll get there.

Several weeks ago, I was handed the opportunity to take over a project, a group (at the moment on Facebook, but destined, I believe, to be more) focused on empowering women. I took it over because I fiercely believe that it is important, and the work done by the woman who began it was too valuable to let die.  Of course, since then, I have been stuck.  I feel that I am not really prepared to take on this monumental a task; I am not smart enough, not dedicated enough, I am bound to fail, and let down these women who have put their faith in me. After all, it’s happened before. I never finish what I start.

These are lies I tell myself.

I am dedicated, I am strong, and most of all, I wish to find empowerment for myself and other women. Therefore, fears aside, I am pushing forward.

This stasis has not been in vain. I have been thinking. I have been reading and watching some things that I thought might help me find focus on my journey.  I have thinking about what empowerment really means. I have thinking about happiness, and positivity, and power, and healing. I have been looking at it from a more holistic sense: body-mind-spirit, and a more wholistic sense: self-community-world.

What makes a woman feel empowered? What gives her a sense of strength, satisfaction, happiness and wholeness?  I believe that working on finding one’s own power is important, but it’s not enough. Women can often find themselves by looking outside themselves. When we help one another, we heal ourselves.

What makes people happy? Studies have shown that extrinsic goals such as money, status, and appearance are not enough.  Sure, it helps to have enough, to be cared for, and to feel satisfied with your own beauty, but self-acceptance is only part of the story.  What really helps is to move outside our selves, to seek (healthy) relationships, to experience new things, to count our blessings, and to help others.

I have decided that, in order to make our group, the Tribe of Sacred Women a truly empowering global entity, we need to work as a team. I have invited a group of women to help me “lead” the Tribe, but the hope is that we will all become leaders.  We are a community, and no one is lesser than another.

Some other things I would hope we could focus on:

  1. Personal Empowerment through creativity of all kinds
  2. Awareness and discussion of  “Women’s issues” including sexism, gender roles, sexuality, abuse (physical, sexual, emotional), traditions, family, politics, etc.
  3. The Sacred nature of the world, and of ourselves: the women who inhabit it. The Tribe is not religious, per se, but the exploration of the sacred self is a powerful thing, and is part of the inherent nature of women.
  4. Acceptance including size acceptance, self-love, healing (all kinds), health issues, sexuality, forgiveness (of self and others), spirituality, etc.
  5. Discovery of self through adventures and (sane) risk-taking, big and small
  6. Community Service finding ways to help other women in our local communities
  7. Global Awareness/Service banding together to understand the struggles of and help women worldwide.

By participating in these activities, we learn to “talk the talk and walk the walk,” as it were.  In my experience (a mere 40+ years), trying to find power in isolation is like walking on a treadmill and hoping to end up somewhere new.  It takes a friend, it takes a village, it takes a country, it takes a world of women to accomplish what each of us are truly born to do: heal, help, find joy, and feel whole.

I know it’s not easy.  I often feel alone. I moved to a new state in January of this year (2013) and I literally have no friends in this town. I do have a few acquaintances, and a couple potentials I have been woefully lax in keeping up with (I am going to remedy that), but my entire base of friends is well outside this place. I have not explored my own city. I have sat here being stuck.

My personal goals are deeply entwined with my hopes for the Tribe of Sacred Women. I want to inspire and be inspired to grow, heal, explore, create, and give.  This is not just what I want, but what I need. If you need this too, then you are welcome here, as is any woman you know who feels the same.

To become part of the Tribe of Sacred Women, like our page on Facebook (Men are welcome to “Like” us too!)

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Tribe-of-Sacred-Women-TOSW/509167165804313

and/or contact me to join the group (women only)

Soon to come: FB groups (women only) focusing on each of the topics outlined above. All of the topics will also be addressed, in less depth, on the main page, and in the Global group.

I hope to see you there, my sisters. (And brothers, too.)

Please feel free to share this information with anyone you feel will like it, might need it, or might be interested in joining me (us) on this adventure.

*Midsummer is the traditional name of the Summer Solstice. The Irish name for November, Samhain, means “Summer’s End.” It seems as if in the Celtic lands, there was, at one time, just two seasons: Summer and Winter.

30 Poems in 30 Days: Day Two

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On the Couch 

 Where we never are,

there are clothes in neat piles

and sometimes a cat.

 

It’s comfy,

and long enough for two, yet

where do we end up, but

 

curled in bed, like cats,

eating nuts and watching endless

murder.

 

On Saturday afternoons you watch 

Bloody Korean films and I type restlessly

Facebooking away the hours and 

 

watching videos of cranky cats

 

Sometimes then we snuggle

front to back

sleeping until the sun begins to

 

sink.

 

We are never on the couch,

where there are clothes

in neat piles

and sometimes a cat. 

 

 And…My least favorite poem.

I don’t actually have one. There are a lot of good poems, a lot of bad poems. I like may writers in many genres, but not every writer in every genre. Poetry is very subjective, so I’m not going to go on record here saying “This poem sucks.”

Well, except this one. 

Last year, as a challenge I wrote a…

Bad Love Poem

Because I love you, I feel pain
Because I love you, I walk in the rain
Because I love you, my feet are aching
Because I love you, my heart is breaking

Because I hate you, I called you a louse
Because I hate you, I burned down your house,
Because I hate you I told you to fuck off
Because I hate you, I jacked your duck off

Come back to me and I’ll stop talking
Come back to me, and you I’ll stop stalking
Come back to me or you’ll wish you were dead
Come back to me or I’ll cut off your head.

I gave you this poem so the voices would stop
I gave you this poem and you called the cops
I gave you this poem cause you’re such a whore
They’re publishing this poem on poetry.org

Now I’ll be famous, and then you’ll see
Now I’ll be famous, you’ll wish you were with me
Now I’ll be famous, I can get laid all the time
Now I’ll be famous, and you will be the one crying boo-hoo-hoo, you big ugly , mugly, fugly, slugly slime.

 

 I feel cheerily confident in the suckitude of this poem. It is trite in topic, and has bad meter and rhyme. It mentions rain and pain and is all about personal emotions that do not touch the universal. If you disagree, then you’re more than welcome to your love of my bad poetry. 🙂